MOMMA  J                                 

 

My severe depression began at the loss of my baby daughter when I was eight months pregnant. I felt abandoned by God, which was NOT true. I would ask God, “Why would you allow my baby girl to die when all I want to do is love her? Why when others abuse and neglect their children?” My only hope in this is that my daughter went immediately to Heaven and did not have to endure the sufferings of this world. A few years later, I remarried and for the first year and half all was peachy. Then, the verbal, mental and emotional abuse began. I felt insecure and hopeless.  I was not used to this. I was a strong-willed woman, a single mom of an amazing son.

 

My Psychiatrist told me during one of our sessions that I was using self-harm to manipulate my abuser. At the time I rejected his theory. Now? I believe he was correct.

 

During the time of “cutting” myself I felt a temporary relief that was followed by depression. It gave me a false sense of control. For the record, most people who cut themselves do not intend to significantly maim themselves to the point that they might die; and yet, what one must understand is that cutting poses a lot of health risks, such as serious infections and blood loss that can lead to complications or even death. My self-mutilation happened because I felt rejected by my spouse and God. Truth is, God loves you and I so much; He bought us with a high price. Jesus died to show God’s awesome love for us. My advice; stop trusting in your mind and trust in the Lord instead.

 

Many people ask is cutting a sin? Yes, I believe so. It is easy to blame the other guy when things go wrong, when life sucks, or the pain is unbearable. Suffering is never easy, but it is NOT the fault of anyone else other than Satan. You may wonder where God is when you need Him the most. Be encouraged, He is right there with you. In fact, the suffering you face is NOT punishment from the Lord; it is against His nature to do anything but love. Therefore, you are not depressed because God hates you or thinks you’re evil. Jesus on the cross forgave the sinner hanging beside him. If Jesus did that, it makes sense that God would forgive too. Therefore, God is NOT holding a grudge against you.